Forever Friends: Philfeatured

It’s been 1 year, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525,600 minutes, 31,536,000 seconds…and I’m still not over it. Does anyone ever really get there?

Today marks the first-year anniversary of when my best friend of 12 years passed away from cancer. Phil & I met in high school when my family & I had moved from another state to be closer to my grandparents. I was an awkward sophomore in high school trying to fit in with the northern part of the country after growing up in the south. Where there’s no sweet tea, they say ‘pop’ when describing soda, and ‘yinz’ replaces ‘y’all’. Oy, was I confused!

Phil & I had clicked almost instantly and were constantly talking about everything under the sun. We were inseparable. It was exhilarating to build such a strong friendship with someone so uniquely different than me. Most of our talks consisted of discussions/theories on movies & books that we were into, along with the ups and downs of life. We mostly frequented the local movie theater or video store to analyze new/old movies and spent hours debating about the concepts and idealizations they conveyed. Now, I know that for some this sounds incredibly boring. But through those talks and elevated discussions Phil helped me to see the world differently. To keep my eyes open as life would most definitely surprise me.

Throughout college and post-graduation, we continued to stay in touch even though we had gone to different places and were living 3 hours apart. We met up as often as we could, always laughing and talking about life. When we needed advice about perceptions and feelings on personal matters we would connect over the phone and spend hours talking trying to assess and look at the big picture. We didn’t always see eye to eye about things, and often tried to help explain the other side to one another. Through this Phil helped me to see how other perceptions were equally as important just as my own was. Never forgetting to be patient and understanding with others while keeping an open mind.

Even in each of our own romantic relationships, Phil was still a platonic presence in my life. It was equally challenging for us to explain to our partners who the other person was and their role within our lives. Some people are just not comfortable with their significant others being close friends with a member of the opposite sex. I remember when I felt the bottom fall out of my life when things didn’t work out with a serious romantic partner. I was faced with choices I didn’t want to make all the while knowing they had to be made. It was probably THE hardest decision of my life and one I did not think I could get through. Even through all the tears, drunken texts, and bouts of depression/anxiety he was there to listen and keep me from jumping off the ledge. Through this Phil helped me see that not everything works out the way we want it to. No matter how painful it is to watch it fall apart, kicking and screaming won’t fix it. But you will heal, slowly.

Right around his 30th birthday, Phil found out he was diagnosed with cancer that had metastasized throughout his body. The doctor’s felt they could prevent it from spreading further through several treatments of chemo & radiation. We spent many nights talking, when he felt up to it, about his treatments and if he had lived his full life by the age of 30. Did he travel to see all the things he wanted to see? Did he make the right decisions and choices for himself and for others? Was he at peace with how things were or did he have regrets? I’m not sure how anyone comfortably accepts that they might not make it to their next birthday and that any moment could be their last. Each of us take for granted the time we have here on Earth to experience our lives, never truly acknowledging the reality of potential lost until it’s blankly starring at us directly in the face.

During this time, I had isolated myself from the world to figure things out and to find myself again. It was nice to be able to comfort him during those tough moments of exhaustion and frustration. We pushed each other to keep moving forward even through our personal struggles, albeit mine were not nearly as important to what he was facing every day. Phil helped me see that it was okay to fall down, but to make sure that I stood back up. Life was worth living and waiting for me to find it when I was ready.

I never did get to say goodbye to him before he died. He was on his way home from a doctor’s appointment when he passed away. A text and a phone call from his mother informing me of what happened made my heart crack a little more that day. Losing someone you love and are close with, platonic or romantic, is never easy. The earth might as well have swallowed me whole. In a year’s time, so much of life has passed by and it’s hard not being able to reach out to him to talk. Phil often reminded me of a wise sage who taught those around him about life, love, and themselves. He helped so many people just by being himself.

I hope in your travels around the sun when you think of the connections you have, the one’s you have lost, and hope to build that you also find the lessons and moments of joy in being around your tribe. If there’s anything I’m truly grateful for, it’s that he found his way into my life and helped me learn about the world and the people in it, while giving me the space to understand myself better. The relationships we build with others, romantic or otherwise, are rewarding regardless of how they pan out. We are teaching each other every day how to treat us, how to love & learn, and how to grow through our connections. Although you might not be able to fully understand the magnitude of this, I am a better person because of my friendship with him.

Thank you Phil for being my friend. I miss you terribly.

With Light & Love ♥