Anxious Racerfeatured

The pantomime entangles me as I’m raptured from the chaos below.
Finally I can breathe again.
I can fill my lungs with air and feel whole.
My body has trouble relaxing, always fighting to loosen the grip around my throat.

It’s hell trying to survive the madness of anxiety.
The highs and lows of thoughts rushing over me.
Drowning me with their suffocating emotions.
Weighing me down with their endless burdens.

You’d never know a war was waging and burning the world inside of me.
My soul is weary. But my body, it aches from the pain.
Someday I’ll lay these worries to rest and the fire will wane.
The smoke and the ashes will uncover the outline of scars burned so deeply on my skin.

I won’t have to pretend to hide it. The weight will be lifted.
And I’ll finally feel free.
Oh, sweet freedom.
I want to cautiously climb and claw myself to freedom.

But I know the moment I do, I’ll feel safe, and it’ll happen.
Happen again like it has so many times before.
I can’t bare that weight. I can’t let it surprise me.
This monster will cripple me before it swallows me whole.
Gulp.

But little moments like this are enough; enough to make me feel temporarily safe.
To help me realize that peace and hope exists.
A belief that someday it won’t be like this. It will go away.
Right before I find myself reeling again, begging just to make it stop.
One…Two…Three…
Breathe…Breathe…BREATHE…  

May is Mental Health Awareness month and it’s always a good time (as is any other) to check in with yourself and your friends. You never know who may be going through something serious but might not wish to talk about it. The above poem is in reference to what anxiety has felt like in different moments for me. I used to struggle with frequent panic attacks and feeling like I was going to die. It was awful feeling this way about myself. As were the feelings I associated in feeling like I was a burden to others.

It’s been a long time since I had a panic attack, but I now have the resources to help me get through tough moments and the knowledge of knowing what triggered me to feel this way. I hope that whatever you or a friend might be struggling with that you also find the resources to help you move forward. Even if it’s baby steps, it still counts. It never hurts to talk to a counselor, licensed therapist, or a life coach should you need someone to talk to or bounce thoughts off of.

Here’s some information should you need to connect with someone:
– Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
– Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
– National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
– National Eating Disorders Center Hotline: 1-800-931-2237
– Rape, Sexual Assault, Abuse, and Incest National Network: 1-800-656-HOPE
– National Runaway Safeline: 1-800-RUN-AWAY
– National Center for Missing & Exploited Children: 1-800-843-5678
– National Institute on Drug Abuse Hotline: 1-800-662-4357

With Light & Love ♥