Locating the Perimeterfeatured

We have walked a thousand miles in search of what to feel,
And by looking in another’s eyes to believe in what is real.
I drew a line there in the sand to set my ode to thee,
To understand one’s self & truth I must set my boundary.

Each of us spend the proximity of our lives entrance in maintaining and surviving the realm of relationships. Whether we’re connecting with friends, family, peers, colleagues, partners, or ourselves, each of us are constantly building and creating a thriving interpersonal environment. When we navigate through these unique connections, we find ourselves in situations and scenarios, both good and bad, that help us to grow individually.

How we build and develop these relationships plays a vital role in the way each of them influences our lives. Through relationships we are taught some of the greatest lessons – things about ourselves and the way we connect with others on a broad scale. To me, the word connection is a sexy term for like mindedness. It is inviting and exciting to establish familiarity when you meet other people.

But what about those times when you don’t? Throughout our travels, we have all encountered someone whose energy and presence did not jive with our own. We could have found that each time we were near them, we felt overwhelmingly suffocated, a strong distaste for them, or a level of unease and anxiousness grew in the pit of our stomachs. This is your body’s natural way of signaling that something does not feel right about this person or situation.

Listening to the signals your body gives you is a great component in navigating through life. The relationship you have with yourself speaks volumes for every platonic or romantic connection that comes after that. Knowing how to act and respond to those signals is a challenge we all face in getting it right or wrong. But establishing healthy boundaries which help guide us to where we want to be in these relationships, has helped many to become successful in knowing what is right for them.

Here is a small list of things to consider when establishing healthy boundaries:

1.
Identify and decide what your core values and beliefs are.
Everyone you meet will have a different perception in the way they perceive life to be. The way they make their choices, how they choose to live, what social activities they choose to engage in, etc. In order to know what each of our core values are, we must look and assess the things that are most important to us. This calls for some serious soul searching to look at the big picture of what we know we want to have long term.

2.
Get in touch with your feelings.
One honest truth about feelings (I’m sure you can relate) is that they can either be a very wonderful experience or a taxing and exhausting roller-coaster ride. Since we are not robots, it is our responsibility to be cognizant of what makes us happy, sad, angry, etc. When we understand our feelings and why we feel the way we do about things, we can respond in kind with our actions.

3.
The ONLY approval you need is your own.
It’s natural for each of us to want to make sure that we are steering through life in the right direction and making good choices. A lot of us rely on close friends, family, & our partners to help validate us in these areas. But you should always be cautious and careful in who you seek approval from. Some people will not see life the way you do. While part of growing as a person is learning about the things you do not understand or are aware of, your authenticity to speak for yourself is WAY too valuable to toss away.

4.
It is okay to enforce your boundaries.
A rule of thumb in life is that regardless of the things we say and do, there will always be someone out there in the Universe who chooses willingly to be our number one critic. Other people do not always understand why we set the limits that we do. That’s okay! These boundaries are for US to create and we are not obligated to explain every minute detail of them or the reasons why they were created.

5.
You can be kind and still enforce your boundaries efficiently.
Sometimes when we are trying to make a point or address an issue with someone, it is how we say something (not always what we say) that makes the difference in the delivery of the message.   Emotional awareness is a fantastic tool and skill to cultivate. It not only helps each of us to become aware of our emotions, but how those emotions impact others and the bigger picture.

6.
Take responsibility for your own wants and need.
Do not use boundaries to control others.
Nobody likes to be controlled or manipulated into doing something or acting a certain way for the benefit of another person. It can be painful for all parties involved regardless if it’s platonic or romantic. The boundaries that we establish are for ourselves so that we can continue to be healthy. While sometimes we must make decisions on when & how people respond to our boundaries, forcing people to comply to them as a way for that other person to stay in our lives is not healthy. It defeats the purpose of setting the boundary in the first place.

7.
Understand that boundary setting is an ongoing process.
Setting boundaries requires us to be patient and realistic with ourselves on a potential outcome. Like goal setting, aspects of the process can evolve over time. So, it is important to look at what is achievable and tweak things from there. When we have faith and confidence in ourselves to identify the boundary that needs to be set, assess what needs to be changed, and act accordingly, this helps determine the durability of the boundary.

It is not always easy to see what our unhealthy boundaries are and how to go about changing them. But what is most noticeable about anything we experience is how it makes us feel internally. Unhealthy habits, behaviors, and boundaries force us to relinquish control over ourselves without regard for our true nature and desires. The steps we take to be mindful of what helps us to grow and what does not is very important in how far we let ourselves evolve into the person we’re meant to become.

As odd as it may sound, I am thankful for the people in my life who have been my triggers, who’ve hurt, and challenged me in different situations. For they have allowed me to become aware of something so incredibly valuable that I could not always see – my sense of self. My hope is that as you take the steps to develop boundaries and practice self-care & love, that you also see how the people in your life have helped you. In all the small and big ways each of us need to be guided towards.

With Light & Love,
-H ♥