Mercury Risingfeatured

Dear Mercury Retrograde,

You’re back again. Of course, you are. I should’ve known from the kiss of the cold chills aching in my bones that it was you. It’s that time of year again. The one where you grapple and cling to my life force while I quiet down my screams to survive. Like a curse from a witch, you’re constantly appearing when you’re ready for laughter and a cruel joke. I can’t see the light without first acknowledging the dark.

You’ve returned because I need healing. I know I do. You remind me every time you return how the wound still looks like it occasionally festers. I’m not ashamed of it. But it’s getting better – I promise. It’s just the constant and vivid imagery of a chapter in a book I put down long ago that still seduces me. You know, the one I couldn’t finish reading. Well, I suppose in truth, I couldn’t stomach the ending. Watching as one of my favorite characters leaves the story as it was being created. It remains unfinished and it hits a deliciously toxic nerve.

I get lost in my thoughts of the how’s and why’s. Always to the point in which it hurts. I can feel myself suffocating from the emotions that attempt to drown me with their words. As if torturing myself this way ever led anyone to victory. Maybe there’s just a piece of shrapnel left that I still cling to. Yes, the wound is still there, but I am very much in control of it.

It’s funny how every time you return, you make me face this. Even though you know I hate talking about it. It scares me how much the lie still feels real. You push me as much as you pull me. I don’t know that I’ve ever called you friend. Because you’re not; not really. But I awkwardly appreciate that you’re molding me.

Friendship often calls for a level of trust. And I don’t know that I feel that way about you just yet. But maybe next time we could talk about something else. Give me a reason to feel differently about how the story really ends.

Warmly Yours,
Just Another Air Sign